I wish I could have the confidence to be as strong as Amanda…as the ones who beat cancer, death/ life threatening anything. To persist and move on as the ones who have survived devastating natural disasters destroying homes and families. They rebuild and fight for their lives again. I would be the one who cannot forget the past enough to build a new future. I am my Grandmother, Aunt and Mother. (not meant to be offensive -just a fact of depression) Correction I am the one who is having trouble forgetting the past to build a new future.
I wish I did not have the guilt that wanting to live life as I choose brings me because I am deserting and leaving my family. I want to be able to set out without that guilt keeping me from entirely experiencing the moments that are truly spectacular in life. I want to not feel selfish every time I go to a friends house to hang out and my Mom is at home alone while my dad is in class and my brother is out living on his own.
But as I whine and wallow I know that my problems are NOTHING compared to people suffering from the real problems of the world. I am just a 23 year old who was living and working abroad to try to pay the bills she cannot pay for goofing off for four collegiate years and who doesn’t know what to do next. I have a roof over my head and family and friends who love and support me (really thanks again to some of you)…
Why do I let the depression get to me???
Do you ever have that dream you are walking down one path and you see what seems to be a shortcut through a swampy area and so you tramp off the path in a semi excited manner thinking you will be to the ends sooner than expected. However, the terrain shifts, muddier and soggier ground slowing you down and at one point you are stuck; wondering if it is worth continuing. You let the ground begin swallowing you. You know you are not really ready for the end, but the more you struggle with it the tighter it holds you as you wait for the sun to dry the swamp so that you can resume your progress. All you can do is wait and listen and watch…
At night I have trouble sleeping. Dreams filled with subconscious worries, fears and doubts. There are no regrets in the truest sense as this too shall pass. It has just been two months, but the reverse culture shock and the hating and the wishing and wanting are not going away…If you have yet to see Avenue Q you should it is most of my friends and my life in song with puppets. I am trying to find the positives…I really am…I will…
Do you know how much I admire your strength? Your love and compassion? How much of an inspiration you really are to me…Thank you and you and you…
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